Not everyone is aware of the Jovian threat. Heck, a lot of people don’t even know who or what Jovians are. Let me educate you, my friend.

Jovians are people from the planet Jupiter. No, not the one. This one is still a planet. Heck, it’s the biggest planet in our solar system and has moons that look like people might could live on them.

That’s why we are a threat. The Jovians don’t want us messing with their turf, so they are acting preemptively.

“What form is their preemptive strike taking,” you might ask? “I haven’t seen any flying saucers outside my window lately,” you proffer.

I will forgive your insolence.

The Jovian invaders are smarter than that. They know how the Martians faired. They know showing up guns blazing is the wrong way to go. No, these Jovians are smarter than that. They are devious…cunning, even.

The Jovian attack is trying to undermine our culture. Think for a moment how much shitty music is on the radio. Consider all the turd movies that have been released in the last few years. That’s right…Jovian attacks.

By destroying our culture and replacing it with shite, the Jovians hope to turn us into mindless consumers…happily listening to bland dog shit while our planet is over run.

In an attempt to stave off this invasion…to educate the populace as much as I can before they shut me down…I am compiling a list of known Jovian invaders so that you can watch out for them and their dirty tricks.

Musically, Celine Dion, Shania Twain, Nickelback, any former Mousekateer who has had a pop career of any duration…all Jovian invaders.

In the visual arts, screenwriter Akiva Goldsman, actor Ben Affleck and tv producer Mark Burnett are all known Jovians.

Videogame-wise, it’s obvious Acclaim Entertainment was run by Jovians during the 90s.

This is a working list. There’s no way of knowing who among the industry executives are Jovian or might have been compromised by the invaders. If you know of any specifically, please let me know so I can add them to the list.

“What can I do to help?” you might be wondering. Well, first, don’t support Jovians. Go out of your way to find good entertainment media to consume. Support those doing battle against the Jovians. Recording artists like Gnarls Barkley, the collective group Broken Social Scene and British acts like Kasabian and Hard Fi are trying to storm the Jovians and take back Earth for the Earthlings. There is a festival currently going on in Vancouver, BC, CA that is directly in opposition to the Jovians: The New Forms Festival.

Hold firm and stay strong!