It’s at night when everything is quiet that I feel the loss most. So many times I could be a little bored like tonight and turn around and there he would be, eager to lick my hands or go for a walk outside.

Life is pretty empty without him.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about how I could explain to people exactly what role Baron filled for me. His role was different than dogs for a lot of people because I am so far away from family.

Baron and I were a pack. That’s the best description of it I can give. He had some characteristics of a roommate in that he would always be here when I came home and he would make messes I would have to clean up. He ate my food and always wanted it more than his own.

He also filled the void that existed because I had no family nearby. He gave me someone to come home to. His presence gave me a reason to look forward to being home. Our apartment was our den. Without him here, it’s empty and disheveled. The life that existed between these walls is gone.

I thought I felt alone sometimes before because I had no people around. That pales in comparison to the true alone that I am now without him.

The biggest thing he did was give me something to love. I went through a lot with him and he with me.

That’s about all there is to say on it. It still hurts every day, but I am learning to manage it better. There were fewer tears shed this week and Tuesday marks three weeks since his death and five since he has been gone. The world is still an inky black place, but I am beginning to try to feel my way around it again. Wish me luck.

I don’t know whether to be happy about it or sad. The apartment is really empty without him, though, and I have yet to shake the habit of looking for him and expecting him to be around.

I suppose I am healing, but mostly it just feels like living death.